Recovery

Mentally

It took me a while to wrap my brain around what happened and figure out how to write this post.
Dr. Potter felt very optimistic that he would save/repair the left side.  He did tell us that there's always a chance that they will find a surprise when they got inside.  My gut told me they were going to have to take both but my heart was stuck on the hope that it would be repaired and I'd have a shot some day at doing this the "normal" way.



When I heard the hospital staff talking outside my room, I thought well this sucks. I knew it.
After I'd fully come out of anesthesia I asked my recovery nurse to make sure I wasn't hearing things.
The nurse confirmed yes and then my loving husband told me the rest.

Dr. Potter met with him while I was sleeping.  When they opened me up the left side was considerably more damaged than the scan had shown.  They preformed another HSG to see where the dye would flood to double check the results.  The left end was completely sealed no dye could pass and it was extremely enlarged, to the point it was translucent.  The right side was able to have some dye go through but it was beyond repair, also being enlarged and blown out.  Imagine blowing up a balloon to the point where you could see though it and its almost about to pop.  If it had been left in there would be a serious risk of ectopic pregnancy and losing it anyway.  My uterus and ovaries look great though.

So this is the hard part, there is no more hope for one day thinking I'm late I might be pregnant or let's try to have another baby.  It will always have to be clinical, calculated, frustrating and Stinking Expensive.  My brain tells me "you couldn't get pregnant with your tubes anyway."  But my heart screams "this isn't fair, I don't want to pay for a child, I just want to be normal."

It took about 4 days to sink in.  There was the Ugly Cry, I sobbed in the dark and my husband rubbed my back and repeated "I understand".

Physically

When we left the hospital it was 3:30.  I slept the whole way home, was put in bed and woke up at 6:30.  Hubby had gone to pick up my meds and left my mom to babysit.  I requested tortilla soup and she delivered.  Funny how mom's are; she made sure I had my robe and slippers, pillows and a step stool to reach my high bed.

There were flowers, magazines and cards.  Lunch and Dinners brought.  Hot cocoa and RUM. Yes, my friends know me well.

My sister made me this amazing basket, it was so beautiful and pink.  I was genuinely touched and started sobbing.  Like uncontrollably. What can I say? It was a rough week.

I had two incisions in my belly button, one right above my pelvic bone and one directly over my right ovary.  They taped me up from here to kingdom come!  Like my entire stomach.  I was told to leave them on until my post op (a FULL week) and to sleep sitting up.  My anesthesiologist told me that they were going to blow up my abdomen with gas and it usually ends up trapped in the shoulders.  He was not kidding.  I had so much pain in my right shoulder it felt like someone was trying to rip my arm off.  What do you do when you cant move your tummy?  You use other parts like your back and arms to maneuver yourself.  Well every time I would move my arm it would shift that bubble and blind me with pain.  At some points I literally screamed.  It was way worse than the actual incisions!

They were just sore and itchy.  My bandages didn't last 9 days, by day 5 I was dying to take them off and let my skin breath.  Hubby used to be a EMT, he got me waterproof bandages and got me all set up so I could take a decent shower (which was Amazing).

When I had my post op Dec 10, Dr. Potter confirmed what happened in surgery and showed me the pictures.  He looked at my incisions, all were healing well but one.  Apparently my body was rejecting the stitches and pushing them back through my skin!  Frankin-stitches. He had to get his tweezers and pull it out!  It didn't hurt but it did freak me out.

He then gave me the A OK to proceed with IVF.  We met with Janet to get our list of meds and made a appointment with the financial person Julie.  We also had both our blood drawn for genetic screening, we will not be screening our embryos.  More big decisions ahead.



Salpingectomy....Farewell Fallopian tubes

The Surgery

Monday morning we made our way over to Hoag Memorial.  It was like walking into a hotel, marbled floors, elevator music and a swanky reception desk that let me know they were waiting for me upstairs.  Should have known better when they valeted our car. 

The wait wasn't to long before I was taken back to my tiny room, more like a stall to change into my stylish gown.  Everyone was nice and accommodating, with every passing nurse I got a new bracelet and recited the spelling of my name and birth date for accuracy.  My favorite was the no blood bracelet, the others were name tags and allergies, I even got a orange band to identify which side they were removing from!

After a while they let Hubby come back and keep me company.  We used the wifi and watched some Dr Who. Then I shut it off thinking "what if they put me out and I dream about something terrible and can't wake myself up?"  I was also extremely afraid of waking up during surgery and how badly a IV would hurt.  My mother in law suggested I ask for a IV nurse and anti anxiety meds.  

Well I struck out on the nurse but my anesthesiologist was fantastic! He insisted on doing the IV himself, talked to me through the whole thing and I have to say the worse part was the shot to numb my hand. He totally hooked me up on the anti anxiety and the next thing I knew I was waving good bye and lights out. 

Literally lights out, I had to remove my contacts (legally blind without them) it was blurry going into the hallway and I remember looking down at my hand that was burning like a hot poker and looking up at the lights whisking by. 

The next thing I know I'm touching my face and I hear a voice telling me to put my hand down and then physically pushing it down.  I still don't know what I was touching, maybe a oxygen mask? The next voice I heard was a man asking me what my pain level was, I mumbled 4 and he said it's ok your still sleepy I'll ask you in a little bit.  ...sleeping..... Moaning, it hurts....how bad? 7.....pain meds....it's dark and noisy and there's a man next to me yelling.  I remember blinking hard and asking if I was supposed to be waking up (trying so hard to wake up) or if I could go back to sleep.....sleeping....asking to use the bathroom "your still a little sleepy to be walking do you want a bed pan?" I'll hold it....more voices and something that sounds like "No, it was a double salpingectomy."

Even in a stooper I know what that means, they took both tubes. 

Pre Op, Pre Op My Baby

My surgery is officially 10 days away.

I had my pre op today, all things considered it went well.

Every other time we’ve gone the waiting room has been seriously empty.  Not this time, there were at least 4 other couples waiting and several that were slowly filtering out.  It’s hard not to people watch. My appointment was set for 2:50 pm, we sat in the room for just over a hour, I was able to read 2 people mags and play with every app on my phone in the midst of slyly glancing over to check out for lack of a better term “the competition”.   I can’t help wondering what other peoples issues are and at what stage of this whole process they are in.

To our left was a couple, looked like later 30’s, husband looked casual, wife looked totally annoyed. Her body language was terrible, she was turned completely away from him and had the most sour look.  Maybe they had bad news?  Maybe they’ve already been trying for years?
To our right a single woman, looked mid 20’s.  She was in and out pretty quick, I’d say she was there for blood work.

Directly behind us is an older couple.  They look like they came directly out of the 80’s, She a pastel floral dress with big shoulder pads, white Minnie mouse shoes, frizzy perm hair and He Mr. Rogers sweater vest cousin. We couldn’t tell if they were in their 50’s or just had aged terribly and were early 40’s?

On the counter where you sign in there is a candy jar and a sign that asks patients to please consider others at a sensitive time and please do not bring in children.

Right when I finish reading this sign, a woman walks in with a diaper bag.  She says “Is she back there, I have the baby.”  The receptionist gives her the ok, she opens the door and a man quickly whizzed by in a black blur with the stroller trying not to disturb anyone.

Time passes.  I notice that about 3 different couples, including Sour Puss, have come out with organza bags filled with a green blanket.  When we first came we were given a book, so I wondered if this was some kind of new give away.

The stroller couple comes out and I notice not one but two babies!  The stroller was front to back, not side by side.  I continue thinking about the sign, I wonder if it really disturbs people to see babies here.  I know it can be difficult with you want something so bad, but seeing those babies gave me a little (tangible) hope that this place is successful.

We were finally seen about 4 pm.
I had a physical complete with breast exam.  I don’t know why but this was totally awkward, probably because 1. I’ve never had a male doctor before and 2. I’ve never had Hubby go to ALL the Dr apts.  I wasn’t quite sure where to look, the ceiling seemed the safest.

Everything looks good.  He drew 4 marks on me, 1 in the belly button and 3 along my pelvic bone.  
We talked about blood loss (less than a table spoon) and how we refuse blood transfusions’.  It was a relief that he was familiar with Jehovah’s Witnesses and he said he practices all his surgeries bloodless.
He’s going to take pictures before and after, that’s a new one for a creepy scrapbook.  He plans to drain my tube, clip it and pull it out.  Worst case scenario would be that it’s attached to my bladder, intestines or another organ.  In that case he will detach it from the uterus and leave it in to not risk nicking anything else.  He won’t know until he’s in there but he feels very optimistic.  

Another contributing factor to this ongoing saga is male infertility.  Yea, that’s a thing.  Dr. Potter said we hit the infertility jackpot marrying each other.   So now we are 100% on track for IVF.
Hoping everything goes right, good healing and all to start a cycle in January.

Got a blood draw to check my thyroid levels and was given instructions for surgery day.

While we were checking out I asked my nurse about the green blankets.  She said once couples make it to the 10 week mark of pregnancy they have a little graduation, getting a blanket and are turned over to obstetrics.   I then told her about Sour Puss, come on lady you got a blanket, Smile!

I felt like the lady on Napoleon Dynamite that is giddy over Tupperware whispering “I want that”

I will get my green blanket.  Heck, I’ll take two.

In the Background

So my last few posts may have looked “zippity do da” like we’re just buzzin’ through life with fun filled weekends; which is partly true but there has definitely been activity in the background.

Back in Feb I posted about my fasting glucose test and all the other required tests to get a proper plan in place.  The result of that glucose test was a prescription to get back on Metformin 750 mg 3 times a day and switch over to the Paleo diet.   I never actually made it up to 750, I’ve been maintaining 500mg x 3.  I’ve been doing OK on Paleo, until about 2 weeks ago.  I literally thought I was going to vomit if I had to eat one more premade meal with caulirice.  So we put that delivery service on hold for this month and I’m cooking.

August 26 I officially changed from contract to permanent employee which means we have insurance!   They automatically sign everyone up for Kaiser, which I have nothing against but I like my own doctors and I hate having to go through the endless paper approval process.  So we switched over to Blueshield 90/10 plan, the most expensive (560 per month) but the least in deductible and included infertility coverage.

When I took this job the idea was to work 3 12 hr days a week.  That should have allotted me the time to go to the dr. Well HR wouldn’t approve that, the most they would agree to was a 4/10 schedule.   After a lot of back and forth and being completely burnt out I got assigned a normal 5/8 schedule.  I now work from 6-2:30.


Sept 25 I saw my regular Dr to have my yearly physical done and get all my stats updated.  My blood pressure was abnormally high, it was attributed to work stress.  

Oct 1 Went to get the remainder of my blood work done.  Was gone from work 2 hrs, there was a miscommunication on how I could break out my time, which turned in to a discussion with my supervisors on what I’m perusing and how much time I can take.
Basically they want me to make all my appointments after I’m off for the day, they are willing to let me take a hour lunch and stay until 3 pm to get my lab work done.   We have to meet again in 3 months.

Oct 7 Nurse called with lab results, said everything looked good except I was very low on vitamin D and needed good cholesterol.   Recommended 2000IU Vitamin D and flax seed oil.  Later that night I was curious about my BP and had hubby take it.  156/110, scary high.

Oct 8 Called Nurse back told her about BP, she insisted I see the dr right away.  Go to dr get prescribed BP meds and asked to take log of readings for 2 months.  Attending dr see’s we are trying to get pregnant in chart and thankfully prescribes a med that I can stay on through a pregnancy.

Oct 9 Go back and forth with our lousy PA Janet on lab results and missing tests.  Apparently she forgot to order 2 blood tests on top of needing my LH and FSH levels.  I had to have a baseline ultrasound done between cycle day 1-4 and she insisted it be done at their office between 7-9 am. And then there was the Sonohysterogram that needed to be scheduled before day 12.  Can you believe she told me "just send me a email on cycle day 1 and I’ll get all this scheduled for you?"
I call the dr’s office and ask to speak to anyone BUT Janet, thank goodness I did.  Ended up talking to a very nice lady named Lisette.  She explained that I could get my labs done at Quest or at any HRC office as long as they were same day results and that I can also get my ultrasounds done at any HRC office.  She helped me move my baseline to a 4pm apt in Newport and confirmed my sono with Dr Potter on 10/24, which Janet never scheduled!

Oct 15 Cycle day 1.  Email Janet (useless)

Oct 16 Cycle day 2, go to Newport for the most awkward ultrasound of my life.   I’ve done the internal deal before but never bleeding!  Who signs up for this job?  Gross.  It only lasted about 10 minutes.  He took pictures and basically said 10 words.  

“Healthy lining for day 2.  10 Follicles on each side, small. Ovaries consistent with PCOS.”
I wasn’t really sure what all that meant, this is what Dr. Google found.

This whole time I thought the cysts were on the outside of the ovary, not around the eggs. So then naturally I wanted to know how many follicles was normal.

So I guess I'm lower than average?

I also ran into Janet on my way out, who forgot to tell me to schedule an HSG (hysterosalpingogram) between day 6-10.  Do you see a pattern of forgetfulness here?

At check out; $323 for one ultrasound, 4 labs and 1 copay.  This is at 50% cost according to my plan, I double checked.   Dr. Potter wasn’t going to be able to meet up for a complete follow up until Nov 13. So the soonest we can start a cycle will be Nov 15.

Oct 17 Called our insurance to find a hospital with a radiology department in plan.  I still cannot believe I had to schedule this on my own.

Oct 21 Cycle day 7 Went to Whittier Community Hospital for HSG.  If you are squeamish stop reading here.

“During a hysterosalpingogram, a dye (contrast material) is put through a thin tube that is put through the vagina lady business and into the uterus. Because the uterus and the fallopian tubes are hooked together, the dye will flow into the fallopian tubes. Pictures are taken using a steady beam of X-ray (fluoroscopy) as the dye passes through the uterus and fallopian tubes. The pictures can show problems such as an injury or abnormal structure of the uterus or fallopian tubes, or a blockage that would prevent an egg moving through a fallopian tube to the uterus.” – WEBMD

This had to be the most utterly horrifying experience in my life.   My nurse was really nice and sympathetic.  She showed me all the tools and explained the procedure. The Dr was the exact opposite.  I had to lay on a table similar to what you would for a pap accept completely flat on my back and totally exposed.   

He had to clean the “area” with iodine, then the speculum (which was not smooth or gentle), then he fed in the catheter which felt like a jab and then pressure and then extreme pain which made me yelp and nearly push off the table.   He said he made the balloon to big and had to start over.   I wanted to grab something.  My first instinct was to grab onto the thing nearest, which was the xray machine, so that was a no.  I couldn’t grab the table either.  I ended up balling my fists and covering my eyes and breathing.  The pain was so extreme when he put in the contrast, burning and pressure and cramping. I thought I might faint or vomit.   Just a few more minutes. More dye, more pain, more breathing. Then he stopped to look at the screen.  I could barely look at the screen myself.  “Right side completely blocked.  Left side blocked, no wait, dye is showing slowly.  A partial blockage.”   

(This is not my film, but mine looked very similar)

Then he leaves the room.  Nurse says all done and I say are you sure?  She says yes again.  And I say it still hurts, I feel pressure, are you sure he got everything out?  She says yes and that I will have cramping because there was some bleeding.  And I say No, there is pressure.  She tries to help me up. At this point I reach around all the draping and PULL out the speculum.  He left it in!!  I knew I didn’t hear the clicks of it being released.   The nurse looked totally humiliated and kept apologizing. She took the tool and we looked at the stand together as she recounted all the tools.  There was blood on most of it.  She helped lower the table so I could get off, my legs were quivering and there was a rush – the dye and whatever else coming out.  She gave me a towel and helped me walk to the bathroom.  I don’t know if I wanted to sob because of the pain or because of the results, but I had to hold it together long enough to get my films and get the heck out of there.  
I text hubby on the way out to go pick up my scrip for antibiotics and guess who forgot to call them in?

When I got home I soaked in the tub for about a hour. It was therapeutic, kind of like I was washing off what just happened.    There was lots of cramping and spotting for the rest of the night and following day.

Oct 24 Tomorrow my Sonohysterogram is scheduled and I’m totally freaked out about it.  It’s a similar procedure with the cath and inserting saline.  This time hubby can go with me.   I’ll update this post either Friday or Monday.

Hi Ho Paleo

I decided to dive into the world of paleo eating.

 

A week or so ago I got on the topic of diet with a co worker and ending up telling her that my Dr had recommended going paleo. Excitedly she told me she'd been doing the diet for a few months and loved it. After talking about all our ailments, struggles and benefits of eating paleo she sent me a email full of blogs to follow and let me borrow her book.

Last night I cooked the last bag of pasta in my house. I've slowly been riding my house of carbs and grains as I'm reading the paleo diet book. Principles seem simple enough, no processed foods, dairy, carbs and sugars. If it comes from the earth/doesn't have a label it's A OK to eat baring a few things like legumes and starchy potatoes.

I have to do a little more research on sweet potatoes, starchy and yet a super food. I'm also not ready to give up my hummus! My absolute favorite snack with veggies. Ms. co worker said she had a paleo friendly hummus recipe; I'm leery but I'll give it a try before I knock it.

There's also the little matter of doing a 21 day sugar detox. While I totally see the benefit in this, I think I may just go bonkers giving up carbs, dairy and sugar in one shot. So hubby and I decided to cut the carbs first then move on to dairy and sugar. Also being in the middle of moving this is the best I can do.

After long debate on what to do about getting my blood tests done I decided to bite the bullet and go through with it, I scheduled a apt to be drained on Friday.  Quest Diagnostics will allow us to make payments...because by my count the lab request looks like 12 x $70.   When the results are in I'll be able to start a new prescription of metformin along with the paleo diet and see how my body likes it.  Apparently on this new dose if I even smell a carb I'll get really ill, hoping that will work as a nice deterrent.

From there, when we're ready we'll start booking the ultra sounds/xrays (somewhere around April/May) are really get this pony show on the road!

Counting down the days till we move, starting to pack this weekend and meeting with the painters tomorrow.

What's up Doc?

Here's the big update

The office was nice, intimate and private.
The first thing we were handed was our "hope" workbook and Dr. Potter's book "what to do when you can't get pregnant" I'm not sure if the title was some sick twist on what to expect when your expecting?  But I took it with stride and chose a seat thinking I cant believe I'm in this place.

We sat in the waiting room about 15 minutes. Long enough for hubby to fiddle with the high tech coffee maker and for me to flip through the book. To be honest I haven't even looked through our work book yet because I'm still in "sticker shock" but I'll get to that later.

Earlier in the day I stumbled on to Yelp reviews of the facility and the Dr I was about to see. I thought Yelp was only for food! There was some good bad and ugly, but for the most part I felt it made be better prepared. I chalk up the reviews to some people need to be coddled and sugar coated while others like myself want the more direct approach.

Dr Potter was the perfect amount of straight forward while still maintaining sensitivity.  He started out by asking for my medical history in my own words.  Of course in my own sarcastic way to defuse awkwardness I answered "I like sunsets and walks on the beach".  I got the desired chuckle and proceeded to run down my issues in 3 minutes or less.  He listened as he flipped through my records and made notes.  To my relief he told me that my old Dr Wood was on the right path by prescribing the metformin, that most Dr's are not comfortable dealing with my problem because they just didn't know enough about it.   I was really bummed out when Dr Wood retired and I got passed on to Dr Garcia.  I felt like Dr Garcia didn't really care to work with me, especially when I asked if my met could be increased and she looked at me like I was crazy.  And now Dr Potter is telling me that not only should it be increased, I need to be taking 3 times the amount.  He also shed some light on insulin resistance and how some cultures are more genetically predisposed to it.  He told me that I need to be on the Paleolithic diet, like a hunter/gatherer eating small animals (his words), green veggies, nuts and berries.  He also brought up that people didn't hoard the food they found all day till 5pm and sit down to a big feast, they ate as the went.  Eating wasn't easy, it was out of necessity.  He said if I worked really hard at this new diet, increased my exercise with my new meds the weight should fall off more easily.   I found this all very interesting.  He was so exuberant about it.

We talked a little more about our concerns.  And here is the bottom line. 
Can he get us pregnant?
Yes, he believes with in 3 IUI treatments we can have success.

Does he recommend IUI over IVF?
We won't be able to tell our direct path until we get all the blood work and tests back.  If its as simple as I just don't ovulate with no added issues IUI is definitely the way to go.  But if we find there's stacked issues we wont waste time and go straight to IVF.  Time will tell.

Do I have to drop 100 lbs before we start?
No, while I do have to lose some its not as drastic as I thought.  We can start as early as the next 2 months.  I need to get off my current meds so he can test my hormone levels and check out my liver before I start the new scrip.

He was very nice, I didn't feel like the brush off and no question was stupid.  It was really nice that he was familiar with everything I asked about and had a logical answer to everything.  So after the run down he wrote out all the details of what he wanted tested and when, then we got to sit with his assistant.  She gave us all the test prices and here is where the sticker shock comes in.

Tests include but are not limited to:
Ultrasound to check if my tubes are open  $243
Sonohysterogram (say that 5 times fast) to check my uterus and egg count $500
Mock Transfer (I don't know what this is) $145
Hormone Tests 5X $63
And now the state of CA is requiring infectious decease screening for $200 X2 for me and Hubs.
And then we have to get the guys counted for $220

Anybody have a calculator?  That's about $1900 out of pocket if I can't get insurance to pay for it. (remember I still have to choose a new insurance too)

And it's all so time sensitive, each thing happens on a specific cycle day.  The nurse was kind of pushing that we start in Feb.  But its just to soon.  It's so much to wrap my brain around, I've waited this long 2 more months are not going to kill me.

In the mean time its fun to go to restaurants and order "large animals with a side of carbs"

Secret Society Language - Abbreviations

Unless your interested in Infertility you could probably skip this post...

I've just been noticing that in all these blogs I've been reading there are alot of abbreviations.  Its like their own secret society language.  I'm constantly googling to find out what they are talking about.  So I actually found a nice little list in yahoo answers.  Some of them were ridiculous or creepy so I edited the list to fit my needs/things I may abbreviate.  Hope you find this helpful.

2WW = 2-Week Wait

AO = Anovulation

BBT = Basal Body Temperature
BCP = Birth Control Pills
BFN = Big Fat Negative
BFP = Big Fat Positive
BW, b/w = Bloodwork

C# = Cycle Number
CCT = Clomiphene Citrate Challenge Test (Clomid Challenge Test)
CD = Cycle Day
COH = Controlled Ovarian Hyperstimulation

DPO = Days Post-Ovulation
DPR = Days Post-Retrieval
DPT = Days Post-Transfer
Dx = Diagnosis

EPT = Early Pregnancy Test
ET = Embryo Transfer

FBG = Fasting Blood Glucose
FI = Fasting Insulin
FHR = Fetal Heart Rate
FP = Follicular Phase
FSH = Follicle Stimulating Hormone

GD = Gestational Diabetes
GnRH = Gonadotropin Releasing Hormone
GP = General Practitioner
GTT = Glucose Tolerance Test

hCG, HCG = Human Chorionic Gonadotropin
HPT = Home Pregnancy Test
HRT = Hormone Replacement TherapyIF = Infertility
IGTT = Insulin and Glucose Tolerance Test
IOR = Immature Oocyte Retrieval
IR = Insulin Resistant
ITI = Intra-tubal Insemination
IUI = Intra-uterine Insemination
IVF = In Vitro Fertilization

LAP = Laparoscopy
LH = Luteinizing Hormone
LMP = Last Menstrual Period (start date)
LP = Luteal Phase
LSP = Low Sperm Count
LUF, LUFS = Luteinized Unruptured Follicle Syndrome

MC, m/c, misc. = Miscarriage

NORIF = Non-stimulated Oocyte Retrieval In (office) Fertilization
NP = Nurse Practitioner
NSA = Non-surgical Sperm Aspiration

O, OV = Ovulation
OB = Obstetrician
OD = Ovulatory Dysfunction
OHSS = Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome
OPK = Ovulation Predictor Kit
OPT = Ovulation Predictor Test
OTC = Over The Counter

P4 = Progesterone
PA = Physician's Assistant
PCOD = Polycystic Ovary Disease
PCOS = Polycystic Ovary Syndrome
PCP = Primary Care Physician
PG = Pregnant
PGD = Pre-implantation Genetic Diagnosis
PIO = Progesterone in Oil
PNM = Perinatal Mortality
POC = Products of Conception
POF = Premature Ovarian Failure
PROM = Premature Rupture of Membranes

RE = Reproductive Endocrinologist
R-FSH, R-hFSH = Recombinant Human Follicle Stimulating Hormone
RPL = Recurrent Pregnancy Loss
Rx = Prescription

SA = Semen Analysis
SCORIF = Stimulated Cycle Oocyte Retrieval In (office) Fertilization

TTC = Trying to Conceive
Tx = Treatment

US, u/s = Ultrasound

WNL = Within Normal Limits

Crab Apple

And I was doing SO well yesterday until I got home...

I guess I should preface this with the fact that I live in an apartment that is attached to my parents home. 

So I get home from work and I'm enjoying the blissful silence of my home when I hear my mom talking through my window asking what I was up to and if she could come over...  UHHH I guess so?

It seems that when Hubby is out of town it is my mom's duty to keep me company.   Well that turned into binging on some brownies and pulling out a bottle of wine.  Stress eat much?

Its not her fault.  I just wasn't in the mood to talk about my screw up brother...after he came home at 2 am and woke the neighbor hood with Coco's (my dog) incessant barking.  No I'm not bitter or sleep deprived.

I counted my loss of points...10 over my allotment.  thank goodness for those floater points.

Unfortunately the same 2 am appearance happened last night so it sent me into a tail spin of bad mood today. 
At work there is a man that sits behind me, I don't know if he's Persian or Israeli, but he always offers up food from his home land.  I've done my best to avoid him but today I felt like I was utterly insulting him by not accepting his candy.  It was just a bite.  A bite of DOOM.  When he went to lunch I got the box off his desk and whipped out my point calculator.  A whopping 5 points! All these grapes and cucumbers and I waste 5 points on that? 

So then the other thing that's bummed me out today is that out of curiosity I googled my blog name to see what would come up.  I came up with someone with the same blog name in England, cool right?  She's actually a really good writer and really funny.  The bummer part she's had a terrible time with fertility and 4 failed IVF's.  From her blog I found other blogs with sad story's.  I really just wanted to stay in my hopeful bubble. 

I'm sorry about my funk...I hope to have better sleep tonight.  Other wise someones going to die.

Starting off November with a Bang

Today is weigh in day....my first of many to come.

"Drum roll please"  This week I lost 3 lbs! 

I have to say I'm a little elated because I did exactly what I was told not to do, weigh myself.  Not only that but I did it like every day.  And my scale only showed a 1.5 loss. As my WW leader says the only scale that matters is this one. So I'm going to stop weighing and just be surprised on Mondays.

Tricks I love this week:
1. Greek yogurt, tastes good high protein low points.  My friend showed me how to make tzakiki too.  Amazing.

2. Hummus and Cucumber, delish crunchy snack.

3. Using flavored olive oil in tuna instead of mayo.  It was SO good, I used a tsp of basil flavored EVOO in my tuna with onion, pickles, celery and a little mustard.  I stuffed 2 sandwich flats and had a totally satisfying lunch.

I also bought a pomegranate, my mom showed me how to knock out all the little gems.  I juiced them and added some to my green smoothie this morning.  SUPER sweet.

This morning I found out that one of my long time dearest friends is ALSO doing WW.  She just joined the week before me and I'm so excited that we can encourage one another.

My 5% goal is 13 lbs. I'm really hoping to be down 20 lbs by January. The community center that my ww meeting is at has a small gym.  I used to go about a year ago and I really like it.  I dont feel overwhelmed by the equipment and I love the classes they offer.  Anyhoo...they are offering 50% off the monthly membership in Janurary so it will be $14 instead of 28.  This is going to be my treat for acheiving my first goal so I can keep the momentum going.

After reading the PCOS blog, getting a big eye opener on the process and a little more research, I've determined that IUI is going to be the best course for us.  This also ties into my January goal.  I made a deal with Hubby to follow through with the consultation at the HRC (Huntington Reproductive Center) so they can give me a current status on my ovaries and do a work up on him too.  Its time to jump in.  Next year I'm determined to be a Mother.

Hubby is out of town this week for work.  I got the cleaning bug yesterday and purged his dresser and closet.  Got a nice little donation pile for the good will.  I also ironed the big pile of dress shirts I've been avoiding for about a month.  Now I actually know what he has and needs.  I'm hoping to give the bathroom a good scrub tonight and dust.  Then I'll have a chore free house for the rest of the week which means I will have time to scrapbook! guilt free.

I have a baby shower invite job to get crackin on too.  I have till the end of November to pump out 75. Woo..

One, Two, Three...

Ok so since my last "poor me" post I've actually accomplished somethings...

One...on Monday I officially joined weight watchers and went to my first meeting.  Thankfully my scale and theirs is the same so the number wasn't shocking...I was pre-shocked at home lol.  I love the new point system, it totally makes sense that the values should be determined by how your body digests foods.  I got the app on my phone, super handy and easy to use.  I love the web site and I actually get excited to track my food.  I'm actually looking forward to getting weighed next Monday!

Wednesday I popped over to TJ Max and bought myself a new lunch bag.  It's my little way to go you did something good for yourself treat, that and Hubby lost my old one.

Two...I started taking my herbs.  I called to find out my dosing, some went up and some went down and one got dropped all together.  I started taking them Tuesday morning because I altogether forgot on Monday.  So far, I feel like crap and they are making me burp some weird clove/Cinnamon flavor,  I know that my stomach will need time to adjust. The last time I took them I felt great with in 2 weeks.  I have a follow up call on Nov 12 to see how things are going. 

Three...I decided to drop coffee.  Its bad for you, bad for me more so because I cant take the caffeine.  It really screws me over on top of my insomnia.  Plus its 5-7 points the way I like to drink it with cream and sugar.  My next big feat will be to drop the diet coke.  I had stopped it for a while and was drinking juice instead but now that's out because of the sugar....baby steps.

I started reading a blog about someone else's trials and accomplishments with PCOS.  I think its funny reading about how someone else has done all the things I'm doing including wasting time at work googling any and everything about fertility and blogging about it.  She's a real person, with the same real problem and real anxiety who has twin girls today.  It makes me feel good and inspired and not alone to read it.  I even emailed her today, we'll see if I get a response.

I'm still reading the beauty detox book.  Slowly but surely.  Good thing is that it follows the same principles as weight watchers so it will be easy to incorporate.

I've also started knitting again.  I'm working diligently on some baby scarves for my friends visit to NY this winter.  I'm very excited I just learned how to make a button hole.  My next you tube video will be on how to crochet chevron stripes!!

I feel good.

Next in line...

I tried using the monitor for the first 3 months of 2012. My cycle was anywhere between 34-36 days and the readings were all over the place.  It would pick up the rise in estrogen but never the LH.  Let me tell you those test strips aren't cheap!  In March I decided to try a new approach.  Two personal friends of mine had used Chinese medicine to conceive successfully.   I seriously thought it was a bunch of mumbo jumbo and resisted looking into it for a long time.  Feeling deflated I figured what could it hurt to try?  So I finally looked at the website with a open mind.  Some of the story's were down right incredible.  I made the phone call and spoke with a nice lady named Julie.  We talked for a long time about everything I'd been through thus far, she was very soothing friendly and reassuring.   I learned all kinds of interesting things on how to eat for your body and how blood flow works.  She started me on a regimen of Balance, Thinkers Tonic and Digestive Energizer.  Apparently I'm a "cold" person, so she wanted me to start the morning with warm water and lemon to get me going.  In about a week I felt great.  I was no longer sleepy during the day, I was sleeping better at night.  My mood was lifted.  It was a really nice change.

Unfortunately as life goes...I lost my job at the end of April so I wasnt able to stay with my new routine.

Happily though I got my job back!  I started up in August, so I was just able to purchase a new round of herbs and I cant wait to start taking them again.  I added Super Fertility #1 to my list.

Also happy to report for the first time in 9 months my cycle is back to 28 days!  Hopeful, I used the last of my test strips in September to see if it would read any LH.  It didnt.  But I'm ok with that, I know its still a work in progress. 

Tomorrow is our 3 year anniversary.  We're celebrating with a weekend trip to Santa Barbara.  I want to reflect on my blessings in life.  I have a great loving and supportive husband.

Get a cup of coffee, it's a LONG story

I guess the best place to start this story is way back in February 2004.  One of my best friends was getting married and my bridesmaid dress had just arrived, imagine my horror that it didn’t fit!  How had I gained so much weight in such a short amount of time???  Little did I know that at 23 yrs old that this was the beginning of the end as far as weight loss goes.  I joined weight watchers for the first time and thankfully was able to drop enough to get into that dress.

Let’s fast forward to Sept 2005, I went to Massachusetts to visit my then boyfriend (now husband) for 8 weeks.   When I got home my mother’s jaw dropped, she brought it to my attention that I had “blown up”.   I jumped on the scale and there it was…35 lbs heavier.   Freaked out I went to the doctor and told her about my rapid weight gain and struggles to keep it off in the past.  After a couple rounds of blood tests and a recommendation to the endocrinologist it was determined that I have PCOS.  

Well what the heck is that??

Clinical Definition:

Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is one of the most common female endocrine disorders. PCOS is a complex, heterogeneous disorder of uncertain etiology, but there is strong evidence that it can to a large degree be classified as a genetic disease.

PCOS produces symptoms in approximately 5% to 10% of women of reproductive age (12–45 years old). It is thought to be one of the leading causes of female infertility and the most frequent endocrine problem in women of reproductive age.

The principal features are anovulation, resulting in irregular menstruation, amenorrhea, ovulation-related infertility, and polycystic ovaries; excessive amounts or effects of androgenic (masculinizing) hormones, resulting in acne and hirsutism (excessive hairiness); and insulin resistance, often associated with obesity, Type 2 diabetes, and high cholesterol levels. The symptoms and severity of the syndrome vary greatly among affected women.

(Thank you Wikipedia)

Awesome right?  Doesn’t every woman dream of being fat and hairy?  Not to mention Acne.

My Dr put me on the pill to regulate my periods, suggested I go back to weight watchers, handed me a pamphlet on my condition and kindly showed me the door.    I left feeling confused and over whelmed, but at least I had a name for what was going on.

Jump on over to May 2006, my first encounter with a ovarian cyst.  For months I had a dull stabbing pain in my abdomen, it finally had gotten to the point where I couldn’t ignore it anymore and wanted to know what was happening.   My Dr sent me to get a ultrasound so she could check out my uterus and ovaries.   Have you ever had an internal ultrasound?  Talk about AWKWARD!  So the technician is turning the screen and looking at it from every angle taking pictures and looking so serious.  I keep asking what she’s looking at and her response is you’ll have to talk to your physician for the results.  Argh.  She’s finished, I’m getting dressed and staring at the screen trying to figure out what the heck is in the grey blob.  Driving home I get a gut wrenching stabbing pain.  So bad I think I’m going to pass out, so I pull over until it subsides and slowly make my way home.   When I finally see my Dr for the follow up results I tell her what happened and she says simply “you had a slow leaking cyst, it must have burst.”  I’m sitting there nodding but really thinking “CYST?  BURST?  WHAT?”  as she goes on to tell me that she’s more interested in what the ultrasound showed…"your uterus and ovaries are healthy….. and you’ve ovulated."

I thought that’s what we wanted?

“well, we have you on the pill, so you should not be ovulating”

So what does that mean?

“you know on the packaging where it tells you 99% effective?  Well you fall into the 1% that will still ovulate and can get pregnant while taking the pill”

WHAT?

“it’s rare but it does happen.  You’ll just have to be extra careful until you’re ready to have children.”

At this point I’m thinking are you freaking kidding me?  Which is it?  Can I or can I not have children?

I tell this whole scenario to Boyfriend and he says “can’t they put you on extra pills?” 

This ladies and gentlemen is how 27 yr old men think.

                Between 2007 and 2009 my weight went up and down like a yo-yo, I did weight watchers 2 more times (and in hindsight I do believe this is the best way) but didn’t stick, next was nutri system (expensive and disgusting), the lemon maple cayenne cleanse (burnt my throat), south beach, atkins and probably numerous others I don’t remember at the moment.

                March 2009 we got engaged!   August rolled around and wouldn’t you know it, my wedding dress didn’t fit.  With 3 months till my wedding my sister told me about HCG.  This diet was probably my most extreme.  I gave myself injections and stayed on a strict 500 calorie diet of lean meat and veggies.  I lost 45 lbs and I got into my dress (size 14).   But settling into married life, cooking and baking cupcakes (I LOVE CUPCAKES) led to gaining it all back plus more. 

                October 2010 Husband took me to Hawaii for our 1 yr anniversary.  I just started a new job, we had insurance, I had turned 29 a few months earlier…and my baby clock was SERIOUSLY ticking.  After some serious convincing of the Husband… June 2011 I went back to the Dr to get a whole new panel done (I hadn’t had a period since January and that was ON the pill, I got off the pill in April), see how things were looking on the inside and have her bring Husband up to speed on how the whole baby making process SHOULD work, she drew us some charts and this is where it all went to HELL.   “You’re not ovulating regularly, your eggs are not forming correctly, they’re not viable.  I can recommend a fertility specialist, they can prescribe Clomid to help stimulate the egg growth….BUT your blood pressure is too high,  you really need to lose weight to carry a healthy pregnancy, you’re in danger of having gestational diabetes and hyper tension if you do get pregnant and I really would not recommend you try at this time.”

I felt like all the air just got sucked out of the room.  Crushed.

The new plan was to 1. Take some progesterone to jump start the period 2. really stick to losing weight so that my body would naturally get back in sync, my blood pressure would lower and I wouldn’t have to get on any medication.

Step one worked.  Thankfully it’s been an entire year now with a cycle every month.  Who ever thought they’d be excited to get their period, NOT ME!!!  Haha.

Step two we’re still working on…but my blood pressure has come down so that’s good.

Since this post is SO long I’ll stop now, my next post will pick up at October 2011.

Ready, Set, BLOG.

I’ve been thinking about this blog for Oh I don’t know maybe 6 months; vacillating on what do I want to write, share, make public?  Well my friend started her own blog and I decided to bite the bullet and dive in.  Nothing like a little good peer pressure right? 

So this is what I’ve been mulling over…documenting my journey of trying to become a mother.   To most woman it’s probably not that big of a deal but to the 10% who are struggling with infertility my heart goes out to you, which is why I want to share snips of every blog I’ve read, every diet I’ve done and anything else under the moon I’ve tried seeking help.

I don’t know who will actually end up reading any of this, but in the meantime I know it will help me to put it all down and hopefully track progress.  This isn’t going to be ALL about wanting a baby.  I do like other things in life!  Like scrapbooking and knitting and photography, so that will be sprinkled throughout as well.